When I was a kid I would get dropped off at my grandmother's house for the weekends. Most of my childhood friends I remember are from playing down by the creek behind her house. There were these incredibly pretty dragonflies we would all try to catch that hovered over the creek landing every so often. Every single weekend we would all try to get one of these violet and blue winged beauties but we never succeed. Mostly because one of the fat little friends I had wasn't very "sharp" and was always talking way to loud and falling all over the place scaring them away.
One of these particular weekends when I was around 6 stands out in my memory a little more predominately than the others. It's because I peed in my grandma's bed.
My grandparents had a spare room and all, but my grandfather had recently been kicked out of the house because he failed to "quit smoking" for the millionth time, so I would lay in my grandma's bed with her and watch golden girls and usually fall asleep there. I mean what kind of stupid ass lie is it to tell people you are getting a divorce because you're husband won't quit smoking when everyone on god's green earth knows it's because he is an alcoholic and you hate his guts. Is it REALLY that much of a stretch to just say alcoholic instead of smoker? So freakin stupid.
So on one special evening I awoke to a warm sensation and realized I had peed in the bed. Laying right next to my grandmother, I peed in the bed. Her bed, the one with the rubber sheets on it that now cause me MAJOR heebie jeebies. Sooooo, all my pee cascaded across in the mattress and pooled around my grandma who is a heavy set lady. The rubber sheets kept it from soaking into the bed creating a half full, warm, yellow, kiddie pool around her body, right underneath the covers.
My response to this was to get my little butt out of the bed, wash up, change, an go sleep on the couch without waking my grandmother or making a the slightest peep that might wake her. Yep. I slept great out on the couch that night too, it was so cozy and DRY.
The next morning did not go well you guys. It was a Sunday morning and we had to go to church and afterwards all my grandma's church friends were coming over to talk about how terrible smoking is and how my grandmother is better off without a filthy smoker husband. I remember, in a frantic panic trying to clean up pee and get dressed at the same time, my grandma threw her rubber sheets away instead of trying to wash them. But that plan failed too because she spilled my pee all over the carpet trying to get them off the bed, then drizzled it behind her running down the hallway with them. I was too busing eating cereal and watching cartoons to help her out though.
The entire day at church, and I do mean DAY at church, my grandma told the story over and over. By the end of the day the pool of pee had grown so large in her version of the story I was starting to get dizzy and feel faint upon hearing it. It was a real miracle I didn't take one of those sporks they kept in the kitchenette and off myself from the unbridled, intoxicating, embarrassment.
When we came home I hid in the biggest cabinet I could find in the kitchen for several hours. I am not even going to get into the sight of all the church ladies on their hands and knees in my grandma's hallway scrubbing my piss out of the carpet. I just can't go there, ya'll. Which is why I was hiding in the freakin cabinet.
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