Saturday, February 13, 2010

Lessons From the Looney Bin- Lesson Four.

Lesson Four: How to Break a Nail.

You would think it would be a simple thing to break ones nail considering all the day to day tasks they are involved in.  Surprisingly, I have found that as long as you keep them polished, nails don't break all that easily.  However, I have discovered a foolproof method of breaking a nail.  If anyone would like to try it, be my guest!
Do you see this small, seemingly innocent looking piece of plastic?  If you try to use this item as you are getting dressed after your shower you WILL break a nail.  Most likely if you try to use this item EVER, you will break a nail.
This my friends is Strap Perfect.  The nemesis of beautiful nails all over the world.  You see, the creator of Strap perfect has short, peeling, fungus ridden, grotesque nails.  Her life dream of having long beautiful nails has never been possible because of her terrible nail genes.  So, in a jealous rage she decided to create a super powered nail breaking product that was bound to break all the long nails that used it, under the clever disguise of a useful beauty tool.  She simply could not bear the torment of others living her long nailed dream while she was doomed to a stubby nailed reality.  So she set out to destroy us all.  Her plan?  To promise wonderfully lifted, and full boobies to long nailed ladies of the world.  Luring us in with claims of secured bra straps and full racks, tricking us into breaking our long nails and unknowingly aiding in her evil plans to doom us all to short nail-dom.

*Look, I'm not saying that if you choose to have short nails you are doomed. I'm saying that if you try every day to keep your nails long and make every effort not break one and then Strap Perfect comes along and effs up your shit, then you are doomed.  I got no beef with short nailed ladies here!

I myself have not broken my nails on Strap Perfect because the very first time I used it I bent 2 nails back and immediately stopped trying to put it on.  But I still wear strap perfect.  How? You ask?  Well I'll tell you.  You too can live a life filled with secured bra straps and have wonderfully plump, perfectly lifted boobies via Strap Perfect and not break a nail by following these 2 simple rules.

1) Do not put on strap perfect yourself.  Make your man or significant other do it for you.
The easiest way to convince your man to put Strap Perfect on you is to use your sweetest voice ever and repeat after me, "Honeeeey.  Do you see dis weedle device?  Dis will protect mah boobies.  Pweease for you to install it upon meee?"   It's foolproof.

2) Wait at least an hour after contact between your nails and water of ANY KIND before attempting to put on Strap Perfect.  Hey, we don't all have a significant other to sweet talk into putting it on for us.  Been there, believe me.  So if you are stuck putting this evil contraption on yourself the LAST thing you want to do is have wet, soft, bendy nails while doing it.  

Let's get our heads on straight ladies.  If we all work together not only can we achieve titty nirvana but we can keep our nails gorgeous while doing it.


  1. I get my boyfriend to do mine, thank god - his nails are like sharp little baby nails anyway so it's actually good if his break...

  2. hahahahahahahaha omg that was hilarious I love the typed baby voice

  3. LMAO
    I still don't get how the thing works though but that's OK. My boobs deserve a change of scenery. It's cold up north!

  4. haha, too funny. a friend sent me some of these and i would use them more often to prevent the ever- slipping straps and help keep mah boobies up hah, if my man lived with me. as it is i find the whole process of getting it on and off too irritating-- hadn't even thought about the nails, which i've just recently begun painting o_O

  5. LOL I wonder if a nail or two are a worthy sacrifise for perfect boobs... Since my nails break anyway I might've taken that offer! I believe my guy would have been a bit panicked on the whole 'meddling with a bra' thing, lol!

  6. love the description of the creator of Strap Perfect. toooooo funny!

  7. You are too funny! hahahhaa