GOD I hate Mario Lopez!

I don't hate a lot of things but Mario Lopez is at the TIPPY TOP of my very short list.  WHY does he host like 50 shows? WHY? I half expect him to show up in my bathroom and start hosting my bubble bath with his retarded VOICE and his stupid childlike FACE.  If I am flipping channels and land on a show including Mario Lopez wielding a microphone I will nearly BREAK MY ARM trying to change the channel fast enough that I won't have to hear him speak.

This is 2 coats artificial lighting, love it!

I mean, Mario Lopez is the mexican version of Bob Saget.  NOT the "I'm a coke addict, pimp, recording artist" version of Bob Saget. I'm talking the Full house, Americas Funniest Home Videos featuring the worst host in the history of tellevision, Bob Saget. 

Mario Lopez's face is like a 150 foot long,  neon flag waving FRANTICALLY with the words "CHANGE THE CHANEL" printed on it. Hell, the flag even has an option to push a button and it will smash you over the head with a crow bar and knock you the fuck OUT,  in the instance you have lost your remote.

3 coats.

Seriously, Mario Lopez needs to just go on tour or something.  Then he can go around being not funny in EMPTY comedy clubs and I can watch T.V. in peace.  He will get stabbed at his VERY first gig anyway, either by me or someone similar, so it's a GREAT PLAN.  

2 coats.

Mario Lopez brings out an animalistic violence in me I had never realized existed.  I really hope I never run into him at Goodwill while I'm scouting nail polish and he is stealing anecdotes off those little precious moments figurines to use in his act, because I will KILL him. Bare handed, grisly style, straight up, 1st degree.  MURDER.

Yeah...I am currently deathly I'll and blocked into the corner of my bed by a mountian of used tissues, I'm miserable and trapped here until somebody brings me some dayquil and a freakin sprite.  So yeah, I'm pissy and that is why you got to read about how hard Mario Lopez sucks ass today.

Stellare Notte Giveaway Winner!

Here we go!

So, number 12 come on down...

Clara said... Ah, I love your anecdotes. They never fail to crack me up... and I actually thought you were going to post that pic of your backside. FAIL.

I told my boyfriend :)

Congrats Clara! Email me at Manateemama@live.com to claim your prize!  Thanks to everyone who entered!

Say Whaaaaaat?

I got my first Illamasqua from a wonderful MUAer a few days ago.  It isn't just any Illamasqua.  It is THE Illamasqua, it is to me anyway.  I wanted this polish so badly I probably would have paid an E-bay scalper like $20 bucks for it.  Yeah. I know that's not a lot of money, because I'm BROKE fool.  Ok, not totally broke but I hate the idea of paying triple retail to some stooge on E-bay.

This is one of those rare as a hobbit, type polishes where I want it just as terribly for the name as I do for the color.  I felt so cool typing out the name while I was watermarking my photo. Propaganda...mmm I am a GANGSTA! Straight Up G from da hood yo.  Sippin' on Gin and Juice.  

Here it is in different lighting.  This is 2 coats.  Ahhhhhh, delicious U.K. exclusive polish.  I am such a jerk.  I LOVE getting polishes from other countries that you have to take drastic measures to acquire in the U.S. because I can be all, "na na na na na na, ha ha ha ha ha ha".

Here it is with matte tips.  Straight up playa pimp.  This polish is awesome yeah, but It did have some streakyness to it.  Nfu-oh 557 or 119 would be good alternatives.


In other totally unrealted news, Konad can SUCK IT.  I have completely given up on it.  I simply cannot move at the speed of light.  Not to mention I am pretty good at freehand nail art and I feel so much more bad ass doing it free hand.  So I went out and bought a huge set of awesome art brushes, which I shall use to create glorious nail art and torment and torture Konad with it until it begs for death.  Plus it just sounds WAY better to say, "I would rather do it freehand, I'm awesome" than it does to say, "I'm a looser that is too retarded to use a freaking STAMP that kids use all the time". 

 Still even more unrelated news.  St. Patricks Day is coming up folks. This may not be a big deal to you, but MY man is full blooded Irish. And I just have to do the most over the top, AWESOME, KILLER, SUPER COOL mani EVER.  I just have to!!!

 This is my first stab at it.  It's Nubar Forest with Zoya Envy tips and a white nail striper for the line.  I really like this but I can't use it for St. Patty's because I'm a dumb ass and I loved it so much I did a full mani of it and have been wearing it since yesterday.  Fail.

Ohhh Creamy.

I love you Rescue Beauty Lounge.

Let's get married.  I won't be available until Nfu-oh inevitably cheats on me and I take 6 months to recover and work on "me".  But after that, let's do it.

Damn Straight!

As some of you may already know I am not an "O.P.I. girl".  I admit it.  I don't like their polish.  At the risk of loosing half my readers I have to lay it all out there y'all.  I am just not into it. 

There is a special mix of factors that converge into my near hatred of the brand.  First and most importantly, they are SHEER.  Plain and simple, the majority of their polishes  require too many coats.  They CHIP.  Yeah, they do.  When I try out a polish I always try it naked, by naked I mean no base coat no top coat, just plain.  The longest an OPI has lasted on me is about 5 hours without chipping.  For a brand to rely upon the consumer to purchase base and top coats in order to make their product work correctly, or in their case, at ALL, is bullshit.  

Now with all that out of the way here is the twist that really makes me dislike OPI.  They have this superiority complex attitude about them. And even with all the short comings of the brand they are WAY overpriced.  People act as though they are without flaw. Seriously, it ticks me off that OPI is regarded so highly despite it's many downfalls as though they don't exist.  Hell, some people will only wear OPI in the same way that spoiled actors will only drink a certain kind of bottled water. I call Bullshit!  

 In my opinion it's a brand thing.  Just like Doc Martins in high school, people all "love" OPI only because everyone else they respect "loves OPI".  It's like Marlboro light cigarettes, and 1996 Mustangs.  The problem here is Mustangs aren't COOL, they are retarded,  just like OPI.  My advice to you is to get a Trans Am and some Nfu-oh, playa.  A vette would be better, but hey I can't afford the Chanel polish to go with it.

Now there is ALWAYS an exception to every rule, and my personal exception to the "OPI sucks ass" rule is the OPI designer series.  Specifically OPI DS Glamour.  It is the ONLY OPI I have ever desired.  It is a COBALT blue HOLO people!!! How could I resist it no-matter what brand it is!

Simply Gorgeous. This was 3 coats and it chipped in only 3 hours but HEY I'll suck it up for JUST THIS ONE TIME.  Besies, the "DS" in "DS glamour" stands for "Damn Straight" in my universe. OPI Damn Straight series, it is just way cooler.

Oh yeah, one more thing. the shape of the OPI bottle makes it collect dust. That annoys me.

Ok FINE!

I cannot keep a secret from you pretty ladies.  Not that I have done a very good job with keeping it secret anyhow.

This adorable set of ice cream shaped nail polishes is the prize for my spamapalooza giveaway.  Dude, it is nail polish shaped like ICE CREAM.  ICE CREAM, people!  

Just look at the little pink handle. This just might be the cutest thing EVER!

So, send me your mani photos @ manateemama@live.com to enter. Details Here.

Do the glitter bug.

I love China glaze so much you guys.  But, I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that it is China Glaze's fault that I may have contracted freakin glitteritis! Glittermania!  Glittoral Cancer!  Athletes Glitter!  The glitter bug, people.  I'm being chased by the glitterati!  I have hepatitis G!!!

Now it goes without saying that I will fight the glitteritis with the utmost of force.  I simply am not able to let myself do whatever I please like some kind of bratty 8 year old with A.D.D. at the county fair.  I can't just be all fluttering around loving cremes one day and glitter the next.  It would create mass chaos people, MASS CHAOS. 

  So, I will keep wearing cremes with a BIG fat smile on my face. That is, until I crack and layer 7 coats of glitter over it at 2AM, crouched in a dark corner shaking like a meth addict, creating gloppy glitter soup that will never dry.  Then sit imprisoned at my desk for an hour scrubbing all the glitter puke off my nails.  That is what we call a "relapse".   It happens, ok.  Glitter is powerful stuff people, it takes impeccable self discipline to resist it's intoxicating shine!  However grueling and tiring of a task it may be to defeat glitteritis,  it is my decision to make, so don't push me. 

Here are some of the China Glaze glitters that have sent me into this out of character glitter obsession.  All of these are 2 thick coats using my nude base coat method.

Cha-BLING!

Close-up of the goodness.

I think this one is my favorite chunky glitter of all time.

BAM! 

Holy hell, it's ATLANTIS!  Oh wait it's Atlantis the nail polish.  Still got me excited though.

Oh, snap this needs a top coat.  Somebody toss me some seche STAT!

Maybe it's Maybelline.

I love Maybellines, especially the old express finishes with the grey caps.  There is something so nostalgic about them, and I really love the bottle shape. With that said, I don't know if it's a coincidence or if I'm a nut job but the gold cap express finishes seem to always be streaky and it pisses me off to have to thin a brand new bottle of polish. 

Every time I apply a gold cap express finish and it streaks horribly across my freshly prepped, clean and shiny, lovingly base coated, unsuspecting nail, I think really LOUDLY in my head, "MAYBE IT'S NOT FUCKING MAYBELLINE!".  Yeah, I can think to myself in different volumes, and yeah that is the first official full force F-bomb on mah blog.  I think it went over quite well.  Seriously when a polish ruins 20 minutes of filing and moisturizing, base coating and prepping, I strongly consider walking into my kitchen grabbing the hammer out of my pot holder drawer and taking it to every shiny surface in sight.  But I don't because that would mess up the rest of my manicure.

In all honesty, some of the grey cappers streak too.  I just need to point a finger at something and those ugly ass gold caps are just gonna have to take the blame.  Somebody has to take the fall and it's you, you hideous gold caps.  Maybe if you weren't so GOLD and gaudy you could have flown under the radar, but Noooo you just had to be loud and stupid and GOLD.  Is this EGYPT Maybelline?  Are we in King Tut's tomb?  Last time I checked, The answer was NO!  So, stop gold plating random things that AREN'T JEWELRY. 

Maybe I'm wrong and Maybelline is 100% on point.  But my toothbrush and shoe laces aren't gold plated so I'm pretty freakin sure this isn't Egypt circa 1333 BC.

So, in this ONE isolated instance do not listen to me. The grey cap Maybelline express finishes are capable of streaking just as bad as the gold ones. 

 This one applied awesome.  2 thin coats to achieve bottle color.  Purdy.  This is like the ONLY heavily orange based red I can wear and have my hands remain normal looking.

I kinda liked this color but was it worth 4 coats to cover the streaks?  NO!  Was it even worth typing the ridiculously long and STUPID name so I could post it?  Kinda, because I wanted to tell you guys how hard it was for me to type "blet" when all I wanted in the world at that moment was to type "BLEH!"

I think this swatch reveals what a pain this was to apply.  It was wierd.  Streaky and runny at the same time.  But only 3 coats.  I bought this polish because in the store it looked like a creme that would perfectly match my skin tone.  I got it home to find it was a pinkish, yellowish, nude SHIMMER.

This took 5 coats to be opaque, but it's not meant to be opaque so its ok.  But good LORD it is SO streaky.  It's like trying to apply polish with a brush a 4th grader made out of pine straw at summer camp.

I have a love hate relationship with this one.  LOVE- because it looks VERY close to Ruby Pumps. HATE- because it looks VERY close to Ruby Pumps.  This is the closest ruby pumps dupe I have found but who cares. Maybelline can't touch it because Ruby Pumps is RUBY EFFING PUMPS, it is THE red glitter. Nuff said.

Green Eggs and SPAM!

150 followers?  Whaaaaaat??

A number I never even half expected to see, also a number I am assuming is going to be about as good as it gets. In celebration of 150 readers I am going to have a photo spam extravaganza!

This time it is going to be YOUR pictures.  I am inviting all of you to email me your manicure photos.  I will be posting them up here in all their gorgeous, glory for all to see.  It's going to be awesome.  How awesome?  TOTALLY AWESOME!

I seriously cannot wait for the explosion of variety that this spamapalooza is going to be!  I am also scared for my television as I will most likely have to pawn it in order to acquire all the lemmings this post is sure to create!

Here is how I would like this to go down, playas. 

1- Email me at manateemama@live.com

2- Type "150" in the subject line.

3-  Include your photo in the form of an externally hosted link (photobucket, etc) if at all possible

4- Tell me what polish it is, and other details if you want (how many coats etc)

5- Tell me if you want me to post your user name with your photo, and the name you would like me to use.

6- If your photo is watermarked please include the name/link you would like me to use to credit you.

I will accept emails for one week or until they stop coming in, whichever comes first.  Assuming I will even get one entry.  I am trying to stay positive and not focus on just how FAT of a fail this could be if my email box sits empty.

Submitting a photo will enter you into yet ANOTHER giveaway/contest that I will be revealing the details of in my spamapalooza post.  Yeah, you didn't really think I was so self righteous that I thought people were clamoring to get a pic posted on my tiny little blog did you?  DID YOU?  Well if you did you were mistaken. Thank heavens right?  Well maybe not thanks heavens. More like thank reality, and the fact that I reside in it.  I hope everyone bothered to read down this far!  I mean wow, that would really suck if I was that lame.

As always international readers are welcome!

Amish hair.

So, I have really long wavy hair and, what I think, are pretty long nails.  It occurred to me this morning that there is a good possibility that when viewed by a total stranger, I may appear to be Amish.  Either Amish, or that other religion where the women are only allowed to wear jean skirts down to their ankles.  You know those people?  No offense to the jean skirt religion or anything.  I just don't really adore the idea of being mistaken for one of them.  I guess if anyone DID mistake me for one of the "skirt wearers" they would assume I was a sinner in the eyes of my religion because I would obviously be wearing pants.  I guess it's better to be categorized as a "sinner skirt wearer" than a "regular skirt wearer" because I would never be caught dead in a JEAN freakin SKIRT.  

The whole Amish thing sent me into a bit of a panic though.  It was rather distressing for me to think that ANYONE had ever looked at me walking through the wal-mart parking lot and come to the conclusion that I arrived there via Horse drawn carriage, and most likely I was only out and about in "town" because I finished churning a weeks worth of butter ahead of schedule.  So, I ran to the bathroom with my camera and spent about 30 minutes facing away from my full length mirror holding my camera over my head trying to get a picture of the back of my hair.  I desperately needed this picture so I could post it on MUA and sadly plea for them to tell me I don't look Amish.

Have you ever taken a candid photo of the back of yourself?  It goes smoothly, and the idea seems totally fine and innocent until the part comes where you SEE THE PICTURES.  The horrific mistake you have made will instantly become crystal clear.  

Looking Amish is the last thing you will ever worry about when looking at full length pictures of the back of yourself.  The first thing that happens when you begin to look through the photos is a frantic search for the DELETE KEY, on your keyboard.  Once your finger is firmly placed upon it and you have thoroughly checked that the coast is clear, the next thing that happens is your mouth subconsciously turns into a hateful scowl.  As you scroll through the photos it slowly morphs from this witchlike scowl into a full on jaw drop.  "WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?"  Is the third step. This takes place in the form of a shrill shriek escaping from your throat.  The sound of it will only piss you off even more.  Because now not only do you have a fat ass, but you ALSO sound like a nagging, harpy, shrew.

The most disturbing trend I noticed during the hours I spent scrutinizing each and every photo of my ass, was that in every single one I have a wedgie.  Ok, what am I missing here?  Has my ass really grown so large that my nerve endings have spread out to the point where I can no longer detect fabric wedged UP it?  That can't possibly be it.  So it must be that at some point in time I forgot to pick a wedgie for long enough that I became used to the sensation and no-longer notice it.  YEAH, that makes a lot more sense than the whole "Your ass is just fat." conclusion.

I really hope you weren't thinking I was going to post any of the aforementioned photos.  If you were, you are hilarious.  What I AM going to do is give away a BRAND spankin' new bottle of Borghese Stellare Notte.

Gorgeous huh?  I cannot provide swatches of it for you because I myself don't even own a bottle of this.  A quick google search will tell you all you need to know about this hot tamale of a polish. 

THE RULES- are the same as always.  You need to TELL someone about the giveaway.  Email, tweet, blog, post, link, whisper, scream, text, sing, screech, type, or scribble about it to SOMEONE.  Then leave me a comment and tell me who you told in order to enter.  No entries after 12pm Friday the 26th.  International readers are welcome as always!

IT'S OVER!!!

My search for THE perfect Blue is OVER.  Done, history, old news, ended, case CLOSED.  I'm sure I'll still keep buying blue polish obsessively, but I will do so only to compare them to THIS- 

 

 LOOOOK AT EEEEEEEEET!!! 

I'm sure you're thinking, "Whatever Manatee Mama stop bullshitting us. There is no way that is a real polish. You are so full of it."  WRONG!  It IS this vibrant and glowing and bright and rich and AMAZING. It is actually BETTER than it is in these pics.  I have been trying to capture it's elusive beauty on camera for 2 freakin days!  I felt like I was stalking and trying to get a photo of freakin bigfoot or something. 

Here it is soaking up some sunshine. Unreal. UN. REAL.

Yet another photo under slightly different lighting.  Seriously, this polish is INSANE. I can only describe it as NEON Cobalt.  How is this polish even possible people? It is other worldly. 

WTF Nfu-oh?  Are you putting kryptonite in your polish?  How are you doing this?  HOW? 

Thanks Tina!

Welp, the floodgates are open all thanks to Tinab123.  Why did you have to coerce me into trying Nubar Tina?  I violently refused your offer to swap me some Nubar, Tina, and you FORCED me to try it.  SHE FORCED ME, people.  You know I am a compulsive polish hoarder and I would become obsessed .  Until now I have successfully avoided trying Nubar so I could focus on collecting 10 or so other brands before I opened yet another floodgate.  Well that plan FAILED.  We will just throw that plan in the trash to keep all my other failed plans company. 

This is 2 coats of the glorious, habit forming Nubar Forest.  If there was a polish to addict you to a certain brand, this would be IT.  How perfect.  I absolutely adore this Tina.  Thank you so much for corrupting my fragile little comfort zone.  I love it!

I mean, so what if the transaction actually went more like this-

TINAB123: Hey, you wanna try some Nubar Manatee Mama?

MANATEEMAMA: Damn right, Tina!

That is totally irrelevant and how dare you bring that up at a time like this?  

It's Official.

Nfu-oh is officially my new favorite brand of polish.  I am sorry China Glaze.  I will always love you and I hope we can still be friends, just not best friends, and seriously the texts at 2AM have got to stop.  I cannot carry on a healthy relationship with Nfu-oh if you keep filling up my email box, and texting me at all hours of the night.  

I know you have always been there for me China Glaze.  You were so loyal and reliable and were always available when I needed you. We have always had great variety in our relationship but the spark just isn't there anymore.  Nfu-oh is so fresh and young and mysterious.  Let's face it, she has a great bottle.  I know it's painful to hear but I have needs you just can't satisfy anymore.  

This is 2 coats in indirect sunlight.  

Direct sunlight.  This is so gorgeous.  SO GORGEOUS. 

I did a quick comparison between this and Rescue Beauty Lounge Teal in case anyone was interested.

This is 2 coats of each polish.  They certainly aren't dupes.  Thank goodness.  But they are pretty close.

Zoya Promotion! Get 2 free polishes!

From tomorrow to Friday spend $10 at Zoya, Qtica or ArtofBeauty and get 2 free Zoyas of your choice!  Just add the polishes you would like free to your cart and enter promo code NYFW at checkout. 
I am not affiliated with Zoya but their polish is pretty awesome so I'm just passing the word!  FYI- If I were you I would buy Casey and Pinta, then Get Ibiza and Envy free, but that's just me.  

Ya Rly Giveaway Winner!

Last weeks give away was a bottle of Orly Enchanted Forest and a bottle of Matte Magic topcoat.  That post and comments can be seen here.

Out of the 44 comments, 4 people didn't want to enter.  So I used the number 40 in the random number generator so I would not decrease the odds of winning.  

Number 40 come on down...

Teresa said...

I told my girlfriends about it at dinner last night :) thanks!!  

.

.

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Congrats Teresa!!!   Email me at ManateeMama@live.com to claim your prize!!!   

Thanks to everyone who entered!    

Oh, yeah.  Don't think I didn't notice that a few of you shysters did not exactly follow the rules.  I let it slide this time because none of you won.  But next time when it's time to pick a winner I will be deleting the comments that did not pay attention to the freakin' protocol.  So there! 

Sunny Day!

I just LOVE the China Glaze OMG collection.  The holos are very smooth.  They coat very well in one coat, dry fast, and come in some pretty good colors.  So far I've found the MOST holo-y ones are 2NITE, TTYL, L8R G8R and DV8.  The least being QT.  But I still have a few more to get.

This is 2 coats outdoors.  The sun still could have been brighter, so I don't think this picture shows it's true potential. 

This is 2 coats of QT in sunlight.  Not very holo.  But still kinda pretty.  I'm deffinitely going to try this one again just to make sure.

I swatched more of the OMG collection here.

This is 3 coats in the sun.  I like this a lot.  It's like X-TREME holo in the bottle, but I think I needed some blinding cancer filled UVB rays blarring down at me for it to be that holo on my nails.  

PS- I swear to god I didn't leave the house in that disasterous mani from yesterday!  Nail Polish Scouts Honor.  OK,  I did leave my house, but I kept my hands in my pockets the entire time.  Also I found my hair brush like 2 days ago.  Just had to let you guys know I haven't been running around town like one of those matted poodles from Animal Cops on animal planet.

V-Day Mani.

Here it is. My incredibly tacky, gaudy Valentines Mani.  At least this will be my mani until I can think of something more obnoxious to do. 

 LOL. 

Colors are China Glaze Salsa and Seduce me. The pink stripes are L.A. Colors Art deco in pink shimmer.  


ETA:  Shit just got crazy. 


"Jewellery" over at MUA slapped some sense into me.  She was like, "Where's the glitter?  Where's the rhinestones?" She was totally right!  My original mani was no where NEAR gaudy or annoying enough!  So, VIOLA! 

There we go.

Jelly baby.

While I'm busy snuggling and smooching, I'll leave you dudes with some swatches of wonderful Jellies.  After all it IS valentines day!  And you guys know how I am ALL about commercialism controlling the happiness in my relationship.

I freaking LOVE this red jelly.  It took 4 coats to get it this opaque but I don't effing care!  It doesn't matter to Jesus!

Yeah, the bottle is all smudged.  Look, I can't be scrubbing and cleaning all kinds of jars, and WHO KNOWS how many bottles.  I recently got this long time lemming in a swap and I am in LOVE with it.  It's more of a very dark raspberry color than a true red.  This was 3 coats.  Any Brian Reagan fans out there?

I love this warm purple jelly!  It's so juicy. HAR DE HAR HAR. This was a whopping 5 coats but I didn't need that many.  I just wanted it to be completely opaque.  Sorry about the lame juicy thing.

Wowza!  Quick somebody get me my inhaler!  I need it so I can smash it against the wall in my sheer excitement.  This is THE purple jelly people. The polish brand is Sugar Baby.  It dries about 4 shades darker than bottle color.  Which is a very good thing, because if it didn't it would be a dead on dupe to Nfu-oh 554.  We can't have that now can we?

Here is an outdoor photo of it for good measure. 3 coats

Happy Valentines day everyone, and if you haven't done so yet, get in the shower and shave your freakin' legs you lazy ho!  Don't you know that shaving your legs today is your man's reward for the $4.99 bouquet of  flowers he got you at 1 AM from Wal-mart last night?  Seriously I was at Wal-mart last night and the self checkout line was a mile long.  It was comprised of nothing but solitary males holding shitty flowers looking ashamed.

Lessons From the Looney Bin- Lesson Four.

Lesson Four: How to Break a Nail.

You would think it would be a simple thing to break ones nail considering all the day to day tasks they are involved in.  Surprisingly, I have found that as long as you keep them polished, nails don't break all that easily.  However, I have discovered a foolproof method of breaking a nail.  If anyone would like to try it, be my guest!

Do you see this small, seemingly innocent looking piece of plastic?  If you try to use this item as you are getting dressed after your shower you WILL break a nail.  Most likely if you try to use this item EVER, you will break a nail.

This my friends is Strap Perfect.  The nemesis of beautiful nails all over the world.  You see, the creator of Strap perfect has short, peeling, fungus ridden, grotesque nails.  Her life dream of having long beautiful nails has never been possible because of her terrible nail genes.  So, in a jealous rage she decided to create a super powered nail breaking product that was bound to break all the long nails that used it, under the clever disguise of a useful beauty tool.  She simply could not bear the torment of others living her long nailed dream while she was doomed to a stubby nailed reality.  So she set out to destroy us all.  Her plan?  To promise wonderfully lifted, and full boobies to long nailed ladies of the world.  Luring us in with claims of secured bra straps and full racks, tricking us into breaking our long nails and unknowingly aiding in her evil plans to doom us all to short nail-dom.

*Look, I'm not saying that if you choose to have short nails you are doomed. I'm saying that if you try every day to keep your nails long and make every effort not break one and then Strap Perfect comes along and effs up your shit, then you are doomed.  I got no beef with short nailed ladies here!

I myself have not broken my nails on Strap Perfect because the very first time I used it I bent 2 nails back and immediately stopped trying to put it on.  But I still wear strap perfect.  How? You ask?  Well I'll tell you.  You too can live a life filled with secured bra straps and have wonderfully plump, perfectly lifted boobies via Strap Perfect and not break a nail by following these 2 simple rules.

1) Do not put on strap perfect yourself.  Make your man or significant other do it for you.

The easiest way to convince your man to put Strap Perfect on you is to use your sweetest voice ever and repeat after me, "Honeeeey.  Do you see dis weedle device?  Dis will protect mah boobies.  Pweease for you to install it upon meee?"   It's foolproof.

2) Wait at least an hour after contact between your nails and water of ANY KIND before attempting to put on Strap Perfect.  Hey, we don't all have a significant other to sweet talk into putting it on for us.  Been there, believe me.  So if you are stuck putting this evil contraption on yourself the LAST thing you want to do is have wet, soft, bendy nails while doing it.  

Let's get our heads on straight ladies.  If we all work together not only can we achieve titty nirvana but we can keep our nails gorgeous while doing it.