Friday, September 24, 2010

Bloggin' From the Beach.

It's story time ladies, and the polish I'm posting today could not be more fitting. You shall see what I mean in a jiffy.  I have a glorious tale to tell you, it's filled with tidbits all over the emotional map. I'm talkin' pregnancy voodoo hexing infants, boob relief, and weekend beachfront getaways people.

Yesterday my fiance Eric, you know that one guy? The sole supporter of my polish habit and the single source of income that allows my blog to be possible? Him. He surprised me by taking today off and whisking me away to a beach front hotel for the weekend. He did give me a choice of course, because he is a keeper, if I wanted a romantic mini vacation weekend or if I wanted to blow the cash on shopping. I chose the mini vacay. Somebody check my temperature. Bad jokes aside it really was an easy choice since the collections this fall/holiday have honestly been less than lemm worthy. 

Our hotel is directly on the beachfront with nothing between my balcony and the breaking waves except the hotels parking lot.  Amazing.  I personally have never lived further than 4 hours from a beach in my life but never have I enjoyed one from a hotel bed while lounging out, or from a hotel balcony.

While we were packing up I decided at the last minute to unpack my "boob shirt" I was saving for the beach tomorrow but opted to wear it today.  Before I can go any further I need to explain a little known fact about me.  I have this powerfully dominant feminist side to my personality that does not allow me to partake in the whole women on women appearance challenge face off crap that happens pretty much anytime women come in contact with each other. I just can't do it. So, I always, SERIOUSLY ALWAYS dress incredibly modestly when I know I will be in the company of a fellow female. It knocks that competition shit out, right in its tracks. Going clubbing with girlfriends is one thing and a totally different story but meeting up with married/engaged/committed women or women I don't know too well is always a "no boob situation". It is just the way I feel that women should conduct themselves out of respect for other ladies. I mean I don't like it when women do that crap to me, so I don't do it to them. It's not a confidence thing by any means. I feel like it's a respect thing.  If a woman walks into my home with her cans popping out I would not feel threatened by her appearance, but I would feel disrespected by her need to physically compete with me. So, you can be sure you won't ever catch me walking my scantly clad boobie poppin self into another womans home, ever. 

Now that another weird little tidbit about me has been exposed I can continue by exclaiming how DISTRESSED I was when My fiance got a call from a friend asking us to drop by his house on our way to the hotel. This "friend" has a pregnant wife and a 6 month old baby. And HERE I AM already in the car with no way to change clothes with my ta tas literally EXPLODING from my "shirt". To tell you the truth this particular "shirt" is so skanky I don't think I have ever worn it out, and forget wearing it in the presence of others...but this situation wasn't just "others" it was PREGNANT WOMAN WITH INFANT, IN HER HOME, WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET. On top of my hoochie-fied shirt I had another little cherry on top in the form of a necklace with a pendant that hangs right in between lefty and her wing man. Scratch that, it doesn't "hang" it is STUCK there. AWESOME. 

I honestly tried everything I could to un-hookerize myself as we approached their house but it was no use. Once we arrived I timidly walked up the drive following my fiance feeling incredibly guilty and LAME until the front door opened and the most gorgeous half naked woman stood before us. Her shorts could have passed for panties and her bra-less boobs were about 85% exposed in her A-line scoop neck spaghetti strap top. I have never felt such overwhelming boob relief in my entire life people. It rushed through me like ice cold coca-cola up a Mcdonalds straw. It was like seeing the angel of feminism waving a "OK to boob it" flag.

Despite the boob panic and ocean view hotel, oddly the most noteworthy part of my day was the "gorgeous woman's" child. I'm calling her "gorgeous woman" because in my panic over boob disrespect I missed her name. This... infant? Toddler? I don't know the proper term for a 6 month old, locked eyes with me as I walked in the door. He was the equivalent of a leprechaun's cuff links in terms of rarity. I'm talking a CUTE baby people, as a purposefully childless adult it's pretty damn hard for a baby to be THAT cute to me. We are talkin' a baby capable of turning life commitment non-breeders to the dark side with a single spit burp bubble.

This baby fixated on me and stared directly at me for the entire length of my stay. From his bouncy walkey thingy he was in, he stared me DOWN. Each and every time I looked over at him he was focused on me... grinning. Gorgeous Woman said, "he takes people in" after she noticed how much he was concentrating on me. After about 10 solid minutes I got a little freaked out. I mean this is a baby that can barely control it's neck muscles yet it's got the attention span to STARE ME DOWN? So I was like "oh it must be my dangley beaded earrings" and shook them a little with absolutely no response from the baby. He remained locked in a Steven Segal pre-fight sequence eye contact battle with me .Everyone in the room noticed.  Through a few trips outside with his mother and I this child literally did not loose his focus on starring at me ONCE. It was hands down one of the weirdest experiences of my life. 

Now that I am out of king cute baby's eyeball death grip, I can safely say I feel OVERLY FERTILE. This cute little baby put a Haitian fertility voodoo hex on me people. I am certain of it. My whole body feels like it's put together in a different and strange new way. I have been officially baby stricken. Short of showing up in my bedroom at 11:30 on a friday night this baby could NOT HAVE PICKED A WORSE TIME to cast a spell on my ovaries. I mean come on! A romantic weekend beachfront getaway? And now I have a fresh freakin' pregnancy curse upon my head? Sweet. 

Reality check. Here is the view from where I am sitting at this very moment-
This is from the 3rd floor, but tomorrow we are switching rooms to the first floor and sacrificing our view because well... THERE IS A JACUZZI IN THE SUITE!!!  And what is on my nails today you ask? 
Mac Beyond Jealous. Voodoo hex aside, you know you totally are. This polish is a heart stopping, nearly black, army green creme. It covers in one coat but I would not recommend leaving it at one because when I did it was chip city. At 2 coats it has good staying power, and sheesh it dries LIGHTING fast!

I found an outlet store in my town a few weeks ago that gets unsold MAC over stock, so I was able to pick up a few colors for $8.50 instead of the ridiculous $13 a pop. Yeah, $8.50 is still not cheap but remember folks...knowledge is power, unless what? UNLESS THERE IS A SALE. 

Love, The respectfully boobalicous MM


  1. Creepy baby voodoo hex. LOVE it! Good luck with that. LOL Hope you have a great time. And Beyond Jealous is a great name for this post.

  2. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    I will forever love your commentary.

    Good luck surviving paradise!

  3. You write a fabulous story! I love your humor! :) Hope you have a fabulous mini Vacay! And that polish is hot.

  4. I COMPLETELY understand your boob-situation. I do the exact same thing. I don't want to feed into some unknown woman's insecurities with my tiny amount of Swedish cleavage peeking out!

    I'm so glad I'm not the only woman out there with this same mentality.

    Love the blog :)

  5. Creepy baby voodoo hex was put on me before a camping trip 5 yrs ago and BAM!! So WATCH OUT!! LOL!!

    Oh and after reading about all the boobiliciousness, I about spit coffee over finding MAC in an outlet store! Now I need to find me one of those MAC sellin outlets!!