I'm back online home dawgs!!!

Hello. I have not had internet since April 28th 2010 and I am lucky to still be alive.  Seriously have you ever been without internet for that long?  SERIOUSLY?   Do you realize how long that is in "interwebz time"?  It's like 5 years ok.

The first week or so I tried to be cool about it and act all one with nature and, "I'm living the simple life" hanging my clothes out to dry and not shaving my legs, THEN, I became so desperate for a connection to my beloved laptop I started to play those dumb ass games in the accessories tab just so I could spend time on the computer.  Go ahead punk, challenge me to a game of minesweeper, I freaking dare you.  I am a P.R.O.

A quick side note here- Dear poor pathetic winner of my Boston Terrier Rescue giveaway. Your polish was mailed yesterday and please tell me how you would like to receive your $25 bones. I am so incredibly sorry it has taken so long to get you the goods!

Anyhoo here are a few swatches of the china glaze poolside collection, NOT.  What I mean is, here are the two polishes from the poolside collection that I bought, slathered in glitter because they are stupid on their own.

Towel boy toy is the base for this one. It applies ok but I am SICK of neons and this is a 3+ coater worn alone. BLECH.

Meh.  This is Kiwi coolada under sour apple. It looks like crap alone and takes a lot of coats but this combo was kinda cool. I actually wore it for over 24 hours which is almost a record.

Here is Electric Lilac over the purple polish from the poolside collection...oh WAIT they didn't freaking MAKE a purple they just made three more identical bright pinks instead. The base for this, since I was unable to acquire a new purple, was spontaneous. 

It's great to be back dudes.

Love, MM

Zoya Sparkles my way.

This is my favorite new collection of the season.  Absolutely gorgeous, unique and with perfect timing.  I was about to stab myself in the throat if ONE more pastel creme collection came out people. These are all solid 3 coaters and apply quite well.  They can be runny if you try to do thicker coats but they do dry fast.  

I only bought three of the sparkle collection, quite frankly because I have ENOUGH boring pink Zoyas and they just didn't look all that awesome.  So, I snagged the purple, blue and green as seen above. Then instead of the rest of the sparkle collection I got my pink fix by buying Astra, Nova, and Roxy.  I sort of wish I had gotten the red from the sparkle collection but oh well, I'm sure I'll find an excuse to order again at some point.  These are all 3 coats as well.

I think these 6 are the prettiest Zoyas I have ever seen! 

Love, MM

New Misas! Mardi Gras!

I only got three of the new Mardi Gras collection and I kinda wish I had gotten more.  The formula was the classic, awesome Misa formula but the colors I got were a little weird. Well not weird, but definitely different than I had hoped.

For example, to me, this isn't purple people!  Maybe they want us to throw them something purple because this polish is clearly BLUE?

This one is nice but I wish it was a tad less blue and pastel looking. 

This was my favorite one out of the 3 I got. Sooooo pretty!

Love, MM

New Misas! Black Out "Collection"

Thanks Misa! We really, REALLY needed some new polish from you! DESPERATELY needed! This Black out collection is pretty good but I don't see how it's a collection being only 2 polishes since nobody is going to buy their black creme AGAIN. But hey, the 2 colors are Blue and Purple CREMES!!! Now THAT is my kind of half assed "collection"!  

This is 2 coats. It is gorgeous. I love it, what a shocker! This applied awesome but dried to a satin type of finish, nothing a top coat can't fix.

This one was a bit more watery but still a two coater and not too difficult to apply. Love this one too!!! 

I didn't buy the black one, ok. Sorry Charlie. But if you are DYING to see another plain black creme, here ya go!

 

WNW black creme. 1 coat, dries fast and .99 cents at walgreens.

Love, MM

From across the pond...

Did you guys know I have a nail twin?  Well I do, our nails were separated at birth and given to separate families that moved across the globe, living lonely and very different lives only to be reunited at MUA 25 years later.  She lives all the way in Tasmania which I think is so incredibly cool.  I even felt cool writing out "Tasmania" on the packages I have sent her, because sending a piece of mail with "Tasmania" written on it is as close as this local girl can get to feeling like a world traveler.

We are those type of nail twins that are totally opposite.  Like she is really nice and thoughtful and probably organized and has a GPS, and I am a lame butt hole that says "retard" and offends people with her normal behavior on a regular basis, a total slob, and I never know what direction I am going while driving.  Anyhoo, she sent me some goodies from across the pond that I am in love with.

This gorgeous little number was almost a one coater and nearly applied itself.  I love the color so much, it's not really "blackened" where the edges look black and the center looks glowy. The edges look more of a really dark purple and the whole nail looks glowy.

You see this?  This is THE perfect purple. That is it, this polish sealed the deal and I never have to think about it again. THIS is my favorite purple, ever. It makes my skin even out and look a creamy pale shade instead of all pink and gross, it doesn't look black and it's dry on the first nail you painted by the time you paint the last nail. I LOVE YOU NAIL TWIN!

These two Sugar Baby polishes are really different colors than I would ever choose for myself but somehow you nailed it, you wonderful twin of mine!  I  love them BOTH.  I love the colors, the bottles, I even love the subtle shimmer in Dream Team even though I freakin hate subtle shimmer!  These were both two coaters.  I really like this brand, the bottles are things dreams are made of people. 

Thanks a million Twinny!

Love, MM

Matte te tat tat

I absolutely love the Orly matte polishes! Matte vinyl is my favorite, but the two polishes below are no exception to my lurve. 

 

 

  The formula on these is great. They aren't runny or gloppy unless you take too long to apply them because they dry FAST.   If you twiddle your thumbs while playing tic tac toe as you paint, thus taking forever to apply them, then YEAH they will get all streaky and gross. They are otherwise perfection. These swatches are both 2 coats which is typical for them to even out.

Stroll.

What a dream this polish is, I adore it. It went on so smooth and is a 2 coater. In case nobody has told you yet, YOU NEED THIS.

My new favorite pink polish, also a 2 coater and great application. Heads up light skin ladies that look freakishly red skinned when they wear light colors and pastels, this is the pink for you!

Zaaaang! A stunning blue based green shimmer. LOVE! 2 coats

This was a 3 coater and I dont love it. But I haven't seen a lot of swatches of it, so here it is!

 OH! The glass flecky goodness, the unique awesomeness! Its the morning sky living on my nails! This was 3 smooth coats.

This is a jelly based hot pink shimmer with a fuchsia flash. It takes a lot of coats but I think it's worth it.

Crunch Time

I hacked my nails off last night so let's get the first pic out of the way so we can get passed this awkward silence ok. GEEZE. 

 So, whatcha thank?  It's ridiculously liberating!

The reason that photo is so crappy is because I'm at my moms and I don't have my normal junk I use to take pics.  Anyway, I'm supposed to be showering and getting ready to go trade my car in.  I am instead sitting here procrastinating because I cannot decide which freaking truck I want.  

I want both smushed into one.  I'm TRYING to decide between a 97 red Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo 4x4 with black leather interior, and a 95 black Toyota 4runner Sr5 v6, with grey cloth interior and less miles. I want the jeep, but everything inside my organs and stuff is telling me to get the 4runner.  I think I'm going to ask the dealer which one I should get then buy the other one.

I am seriously supposed to be there in 30 mins and all I'm prepared to say is, "here is my trade in..." beyond that I am totally going to fly by the seat of my pants and wing it.  Let's hope I make the right decision! 

Love, MM

Claire's Mood Changing Nail Polishes.

These are pretty cool. They applied just ok, a little gloopy but they made up for it by drying lightning fast. The 4 that I got all change to a neon and dry matte.  These are all basically 3 coaters.  Guess what?  They actually CHANGE COLOR!!!  Sweet!  My favs are the green/yellow and the teal/blue.

These can be found at a claire's near you dudes!

Love, MM

Lessons From the Looney Bin- Lesson Five.

Lesson five: Partner Polishes.

Flaky polishes are GORGEOUS and great for layering but they look totally different layered over another polish than they do in the bottle.  Mind you, they still look beautiful layered over other polishes whether they look different than the bottle color or not. 

The problem for me is, I LOVE how they look in the bottle!  I buy it for how it looks in the bottle.  So I WANT it to LOOK like it looks in the BOTTLE!  They are just way too sheer to layer coat after coat and build them up to the bottle color, not to mention way too expensive to do 5-6 coats a mani, so that option is OUT. 

My solution was to layer them over other jelly polishes that match the base color of the flaky as CLOSE as possible.  I used Nfu-oh flakies but any flaky will work.  My goal was to achieve the look of the Nfu-oh flakies actual bottle color by using other polishes as base coats.

I tried this out for Nfu-oh polish #50 for my first go round.  I think it turned out pretty well.

 I started out with a nude base coat, then 2 coats of what I decided was nfu-oh 50's partner polish- Zoya Juicy.  This needed to be a TAD lighter but I think after layering it is PERFECT.


To find a partner polish, you want to thinly swatch your flaky on some white paper and look for the base color.  Or, you can hold up your flaky bottle to your stash and find a polish that matches the base color of the flaky.  Ignore the color of the flakes or glitter!  Keep in mind that 2 coats of the flaky will slightly lighten the partner polish.

Then I layered 2 coats of Nfu-oh 50 over Juicy.  This photo is outdoors in the shade.  I think it's pretty close to the bottle color don't you?

Closer.

Here it is outdoors in direct sunlight.  This is what I'm talkin 'bout!  I got this polish because I loved the POLISH, and now I can wear, THE POLISH! Score!

Here is the same method used on Nfu-oh #59.

 I started with 2 coats of Orly Naughty. I thought this was the best partner polish for nfu-oh 59.

Then I added 2 coats of Nfu-oh #59.  Damn this is DEAD ON dudes. This is in direct sunlight.

Shade.

Indirect sunlight.


Obviously this trick is not just for Nfu-oh polishes. It can work for ANY polish that you love but simply can not build it up to the bottle color by layering.  Partner polishes save TIME and money by saving on coats of your precious flakies or glitters or whatever.  Of course it is also nice to layer these over everything under the sun and make your own looks, but being able to wear them exactly how they look in the bottle is a nice option to have.

Love, MM

Bow Chica...

Wow Wow.

GOD I hate Mario Lopez!

I don't hate a lot of things but Mario Lopez is at the TIPPY TOP of my very short list.  WHY does he host like 50 shows? WHY? I half expect him to show up in my bathroom and start hosting my bubble bath with his retarded VOICE and his stupid childlike FACE.  If I am flipping channels and land on a show including Mario Lopez wielding a microphone I will nearly BREAK MY ARM trying to change the channel fast enough that I won't have to hear him speak.

This is 2 coats artificial lighting, love it!

I mean, Mario Lopez is the mexican version of Bob Saget.  NOT the "I'm a coke addict, pimp, recording artist" version of Bob Saget. I'm talking the Full house, Americas Funniest Home Videos featuring the worst host in the history of tellevision, Bob Saget. 

Mario Lopez's face is like a 150 foot long,  neon flag waving FRANTICALLY with the words "CHANGE THE CHANEL" printed on it. Hell, the flag even has an option to push a button and it will smash you over the head with a crow bar and knock you the fuck OUT,  in the instance you have lost your remote.

3 coats.

Seriously, Mario Lopez needs to just go on tour or something.  Then he can go around being not funny in EMPTY comedy clubs and I can watch T.V. in peace.  He will get stabbed at his VERY first gig anyway, either by me or someone similar, so it's a GREAT PLAN.  

2 coats.

Mario Lopez brings out an animalistic violence in me I had never realized existed.  I really hope I never run into him at Goodwill while I'm scouting nail polish and he is stealing anecdotes off those little precious moments figurines to use in his act, because I will KILL him. Bare handed, grisly style, straight up, 1st degree.  MURDER.

Yeah...I am currently deathly I'll and blocked into the corner of my bed by a mountian of used tissues, I'm miserable and trapped here until somebody brings me some dayquil and a freakin sprite.  So yeah, I'm pissy and that is why you got to read about how hard Mario Lopez sucks ass today.

Jelly baby.

While I'm busy snuggling and smooching, I'll leave you dudes with some swatches of wonderful Jellies.  After all it IS valentines day!  And you guys know how I am ALL about commercialism controlling the happiness in my relationship.

I freaking LOVE this red jelly.  It took 4 coats to get it this opaque but I don't effing care!  It doesn't matter to Jesus!

Yeah, the bottle is all smudged.  Look, I can't be scrubbing and cleaning all kinds of jars, and WHO KNOWS how many bottles.  I recently got this long time lemming in a swap and I am in LOVE with it.  It's more of a very dark raspberry color than a true red.  This was 3 coats.  Any Brian Reagan fans out there?

I love this warm purple jelly!  It's so juicy. HAR DE HAR HAR. This was a whopping 5 coats but I didn't need that many.  I just wanted it to be completely opaque.  Sorry about the lame juicy thing.

Wowza!  Quick somebody get me my inhaler!  I need it so I can smash it against the wall in my sheer excitement.  This is THE purple jelly people. The polish brand is Sugar Baby.  It dries about 4 shades darker than bottle color.  Which is a very good thing, because if it didn't it would be a dead on dupe to Nfu-oh 554.  We can't have that now can we?

Here is an outdoor photo of it for good measure. 3 coats

Happy Valentines day everyone, and if you haven't done so yet, get in the shower and shave your freakin' legs you lazy ho!  Don't you know that shaving your legs today is your man's reward for the $4.99 bouquet of  flowers he got you at 1 AM from Wal-mart last night?  Seriously I was at Wal-mart last night and the self checkout line was a mile long.  It was comprised of nothing but solitary males holding shitty flowers looking ashamed.

I got it from my Grandma.

I woke up in a super weird mood today so in preparation for this post please locate the nearest salt shaker and separate a single grain to keep handy.   First of all I have misplaced my hairbrush.  It’s a disaster of epic proportions people.   I might as well go buy a wrist sweat band in the colors of the Jamaican flag and a Djembe drum right now because I’m going to be dreaded out like a Rastafarian by noon.   I tried to use my fiancés retarded hairbrush, but it’s totally useless.   It’s one of those stupid bristle brush things that look like a bathtub scrubber.   HOW do people use those?  God, they SUCK.

This is 2 coats.  Once again try to imagine this a bit less blue.  This is a gorgeous purple creme but it is a dupe for Orly Plum Noir.

 This isn't really my thing but it IS one of the non-pink Zoyas I have acquired so I'm posting it. 2 coats.

Just to give you an idea of the mood I'm in today, for the last hour or so I have been running scenarios through my head about how I could go driving around scouting for non-injury related car accidents, then childishly tormenting the drivers in all sorts of ways. Like parking a little ways away and leisurely walking up to the driver with the most mangled car and asking them how they are doing.  “Hey, what’s up man? How’s it going?”  In this scenario the driver replies “Pretty terrible, how are you?”, so I say, “OH YEAH?  You think YOU’RE doing terrible? Well, I’ve misplaced my hairbrush!”   

Some of the other scenarios include me just casually striking up a conversation with the drivers while they are busy fighting and exchanging insurance information, "Hey man, you tried out that new rib place over on King St.?", "So who'd you vote for anyway, pal?"  Another scenario is me driving by the 2 crushed cars and tossing notes out the window to the unfortunate drivers that say random food commercial tidbits like, “With a name like Smuckers it has to be good!” or “The secret is in the sauce”.  I hope this helps! 

My favorite scenario is one where I speed up to the wrecked cars and E-brake slide into a parking spot, then yell out the window “RACE YA TO THE HOSPITAL!”  Then I cackle wildly before I speed away.   One part of each scenario is always the same though.   Right after I spot the accident I do a stealth drive by to make sure nobody is bloody before I proceed with any further action, so don’t worry.

This is such a gorgeous darkened red shimmer.  2 coats.

Something else I’ve been mulling over today is why people say “I got it from my grandma” when you pay them a compliment.  For example- I say, “Hey Janice, what beautiful hair you have.”  Then Janice smiles and says “Thanks, I got it from my grandma”.   I just want to be like, “Wow! Really Janice?  Well you see this WHOLE BODY I have?  I technically got this from my Grandma!  Now tell me what conditioner you use and stop stating the obvious!”   I mean, it’s not like I am complimenting you on your antique coffee table.   But in the instance that I were, it would be perfectly acceptable to say “I got it from my Grandma”.  To which I would reply, “Wow your Grandma is wicked awesome! You could get some hella coin for that baby at the pawn shop!”