Lessons From the Looney Bin- De-Pocket before you Paint!

 De-Pocket Before you PAINT!!!

It took me over a year to figure out this lesson. It's something that is SURE to happen about 5 seconds after the last brush stroke of your perfect mani. BAM! Your cellphone rings or a text comes in. WHERE is your cellphone? Of course it's deep in the pocket our your jeans or burried in the abyss of your purse. What happens next is a frantic attempt to fish out your phone withut ruining your nails which, let's be honest, is so impossible it's hilarious.

So... Before you paint your nails, remove your phone from your pocket or purse. Your mani ritual should go like this-

1- Choose polish.
2- Go Pee.
3- Locate cell phone and remove it from wherever it is WEDGED.
4- Paint nails.
5- Grin ear to ear over how brilliant you are.


HTH,
MM

Lessons From the Looney Bin- Lesson Five.

Lesson five: Partner Polishes.

Flaky polishes are GORGEOUS and great for layering but they look totally different layered over another polish than they do in the bottle.  Mind you, they still look beautiful layered over other polishes whether they look different than the bottle color or not. 

The problem for me is, I LOVE how they look in the bottle!  I buy it for how it looks in the bottle.  So I WANT it to LOOK like it looks in the BOTTLE!  They are just way too sheer to layer coat after coat and build them up to the bottle color, not to mention way too expensive to do 5-6 coats a mani, so that option is OUT. 

My solution was to layer them over other jelly polishes that match the base color of the flaky as CLOSE as possible.  I used Nfu-oh flakies but any flaky will work.  My goal was to achieve the look of the Nfu-oh flakies actual bottle color by using other polishes as base coats.

I tried this out for Nfu-oh polish #50 for my first go round.  I think it turned out pretty well.

 I started out with a nude base coat, then 2 coats of what I decided was nfu-oh 50's partner polish- Zoya Juicy.  This needed to be a TAD lighter but I think after layering it is PERFECT.


To find a partner polish, you want to thinly swatch your flaky on some white paper and look for the base color.  Or, you can hold up your flaky bottle to your stash and find a polish that matches the base color of the flaky.  Ignore the color of the flakes or glitter!  Keep in mind that 2 coats of the flaky will slightly lighten the partner polish.

Then I layered 2 coats of Nfu-oh 50 over Juicy.  This photo is outdoors in the shade.  I think it's pretty close to the bottle color don't you?

Closer.

Here it is outdoors in direct sunlight.  This is what I'm talkin 'bout!  I got this polish because I loved the POLISH, and now I can wear, THE POLISH! Score!

Here is the same method used on Nfu-oh #59.

 I started with 2 coats of Orly Naughty. I thought this was the best partner polish for nfu-oh 59.

Then I added 2 coats of Nfu-oh #59.  Damn this is DEAD ON dudes. This is in direct sunlight.

Shade.

Indirect sunlight.


Obviously this trick is not just for Nfu-oh polishes. It can work for ANY polish that you love but simply can not build it up to the bottle color by layering.  Partner polishes save TIME and money by saving on coats of your precious flakies or glitters or whatever.  Of course it is also nice to layer these over everything under the sun and make your own looks, but being able to wear them exactly how they look in the bottle is a nice option to have.

Love, MM

Lessons From the Looney Bin- Lesson Four.

Lesson Four: How to Break a Nail.

You would think it would be a simple thing to break ones nail considering all the day to day tasks they are involved in.  Surprisingly, I have found that as long as you keep them polished, nails don't break all that easily.  However, I have discovered a foolproof method of breaking a nail.  If anyone would like to try it, be my guest!

Do you see this small, seemingly innocent looking piece of plastic?  If you try to use this item as you are getting dressed after your shower you WILL break a nail.  Most likely if you try to use this item EVER, you will break a nail.

This my friends is Strap Perfect.  The nemesis of beautiful nails all over the world.  You see, the creator of Strap perfect has short, peeling, fungus ridden, grotesque nails.  Her life dream of having long beautiful nails has never been possible because of her terrible nail genes.  So, in a jealous rage she decided to create a super powered nail breaking product that was bound to break all the long nails that used it, under the clever disguise of a useful beauty tool.  She simply could not bear the torment of others living her long nailed dream while she was doomed to a stubby nailed reality.  So she set out to destroy us all.  Her plan?  To promise wonderfully lifted, and full boobies to long nailed ladies of the world.  Luring us in with claims of secured bra straps and full racks, tricking us into breaking our long nails and unknowingly aiding in her evil plans to doom us all to short nail-dom.

*Look, I'm not saying that if you choose to have short nails you are doomed. I'm saying that if you try every day to keep your nails long and make every effort not break one and then Strap Perfect comes along and effs up your shit, then you are doomed.  I got no beef with short nailed ladies here!

I myself have not broken my nails on Strap Perfect because the very first time I used it I bent 2 nails back and immediately stopped trying to put it on.  But I still wear strap perfect.  How? You ask?  Well I'll tell you.  You too can live a life filled with secured bra straps and have wonderfully plump, perfectly lifted boobies via Strap Perfect and not break a nail by following these 2 simple rules.

1) Do not put on strap perfect yourself.  Make your man or significant other do it for you.

The easiest way to convince your man to put Strap Perfect on you is to use your sweetest voice ever and repeat after me, "Honeeeey.  Do you see dis weedle device?  Dis will protect mah boobies.  Pweease for you to install it upon meee?"   It's foolproof.

2) Wait at least an hour after contact between your nails and water of ANY KIND before attempting to put on Strap Perfect.  Hey, we don't all have a significant other to sweet talk into putting it on for us.  Been there, believe me.  So if you are stuck putting this evil contraption on yourself the LAST thing you want to do is have wet, soft, bendy nails while doing it.  

Let's get our heads on straight ladies.  If we all work together not only can we achieve titty nirvana but we can keep our nails gorgeous while doing it.

Lessons From the Looney Bin- Lesson Three.

Lesson Three: Visible Nail Line No More! 

A lot of us polish people really hate Visible nail line or VNL.  I'm guessing we all hate it for different reasons. My reason is that I have super short nail beds. Like TINY nail beds, because I am a reformed biter. I think most of us just totally avoid polishes that we know will show VNL altogether. This totally sucks because ya'll are missing out on some killer polishes!  I'm not missing out though because I'm a rebel and I just wear sheers anyway and tell the world to eff off.  But recently this plan was thwarted by horrific stains that now keep me from wearing ANYTHING sheer, ever.

That is, my stains kept me from wearing anything sheer until I tried this.  This is the simple trick I use to hide my stains and VNL so that I can wear whatever I want, playa.  For this you're going to need to find yourself a nude polish that matches your nail beds as CLOSE as possible.  This polish also needs to be mostly opaque in ONE COAT.  It's gonna take some trial and a lot of errors but it's worth it.  Since I cannot even follow my own freakin rules I am using Orly Country club khaki with a thin coat of Misa high waist Hue over it.  I'm SUPER fair skinned so it's really hard to find a matching shade. Another good nude for fair skin is China Glaze great barrier beige.

Paint your nails in your opaque nude shade and let it completely dry.  Normally I would not let my polish dry before adding a second coat but this is different.  Once this is dry we are going to treat this just like we would our bare nail.  Yeah, there isn't a whole lot to this trick people.

Now, we apply our sheer polish or any other polish that normally would have shown VNL.  Because we chose a nude shade that matches our nail bed, the color of the polish we apply should not be altered in any way.  This trick also allows for more coverage in less coats, bonus! There are basically 3 types of polishes that give the worst VNL.  Jellies, glitters, and sheers.  Here are some before and after photos of these 3 types of polish with and without our opaque nude base coat.

Here is 4 coats of a sheer polish. Nail glossies 221 on my bare nails. Notice how you can clearly see my nail beds.  

This is only 3 coats of the same polish over our nude shade!  No VNL, no stains.  Awesome!  You can clearly see why we needed a nude polish that is opaque in one coat.  If we have to apply 2 or 3 to get the nude to be opaque then our final result is going to be chunky, way too thick and totally unnatural looking.

GAH!  Here is 3 coats of a glitter on my bare nails.  China Glaze Atlantis.  Would you look at the GROSSNESS.  Stains showing through, and really bad VNL.

Here we have Atlantis with only 2 coats over our nude polish. Much better! This needed a topcoat, but most glitters do.

Now for a Jelly.  EEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!! I cannot believe I'm posting this!  This is 4 whopping coats of Lippmann Rehab.  HOLY STAINS BATMAN.  I am taking one for the team to help you out here people!

Ok, *whew* this is only 3 coats of Rehab over our opaque nude.  Do I even need to comment on how much better this is?  I can't see a visible nail line, can you?

Lessons From the Looney Bin- Lesson Two.

Lesson Two: Pee Before you Polish!

If there was ever a rule of the universe that always held true it would be this- One second after the last stroke of topcoat is on your perfected manicure, you will have to pee. It's just the way it is. So since we are supposedly the intelligent ones on this spherical flying circus let's defeat the problem shall we?

Oh, you don’t think you need to defeat this problem? You think you can macgyver your way into your jeans with wet nails and not get a smudge? I see. You think you’re better than the rest of us don’t you? Well miss prissy pants try all you want to slide that zipper down with the grace and agility of a ninja but I will tell you this- You just nicked your thumb. So back to plan B.

 Pee before you polish. Sounds simple I know. But it really does take a special type of person to intentionally make a trip to the B-room and force out a drop or two in the hopes of saving a manicure. An added bonus is that peeing before you polish technically falls into the category of "planning ahead". So, you can use this act as a little self esteem booster to make yourself feel more like the organized, planned out, in control, strong woman we all aspire to be. It's an exercise in futility because she doesn’t exist, but its fun all the same.

 If you're like me you take lesson two a step further by blasting hot fuchsia pantaloons with an elastic waistband during manicures. I can pee before I polish until my hearts content but I will almost always have to go again. So, I sport elastic banded pants so I can effectively maneuver them without smudging my polish. This is my 'cure all' for all things nail. It's my cure all for all things life actually. You see, with my hectic, fly by the seat, busy schedule I can't be bothered with the meticulous, time consuming task of opening and closing traditional pants tens of times a day. It would simply cut too far into my sleeping time. A quick tip- If you would like to employ this time saving strategy you don't need to scour the globe looking for hot fuchsia pantaloons. Any color will do.

So ladies, let's all take a moment and put down the polish while we take a quick trip to the powder room. There is nothing more humiliating then standing in the bathroom, wet nailed hands in the air, doing the pee dance while a family member unzips your jeans.

Lessons From the Looney Bin- Lesson One.

 Lesson one: LEAVE IT ALONE.

Polishing your nails and nail art in general are super addicting. So addicting that many a manicure gets ruined simply because it's so tempting to keep screwing with it. 

Whether it be a slightly crooked side line in your polish, a tiny imperfection in the finish or some wicked good nail art. It's a practice in extreme self discipline to simply leave it alone.

Why do we need to learn to leave it alone? Because 99.9% of the time a slightly imperfect application will be 100% better than a tinkered with final result. In other words, trying to fix it will almost always totally mess it up.

For example. You paint your nails. BUT there is a small bit of polish near your cuticle that is crooked. NOW is the time to practice lesson 1.  Leave it alone. Because if you don't and you grab your polish to do another coat to fix it, BAM! Now you have polish all over your skin, you get a huge dent or it never freaking dries because you made it an inch thick trying to cover a teensy weensy blemish.

Nail art is the hardest area in which to practice lesson one. It is nearly impossible to stop yourself and leave it alone. Why do you think nail art always looks so freakin gaudy? Because they couldn't just leave it ALONE!

Feast your eyes on this example:

You decide to do a little nail art. Cool. Your feeling like you want a bold yet understated and classy mani so you choose China Glaze- For Audrey as your base color. The perfect, classy,Tiffany blue. 2 coats. Great start!

You grab Orly's Wild Wisteria because it's your current favorite polish and bust out a nearly perfect chevron style french manicure.

Looks awesome! You love it! But...do you leave it alone? You really SHOULD. But alas, you just can't. You've gotten a confidence boost from how well you pulled off the chevron and are positive you can further awesomize it.

Um, okay.

Now you've added a hot pink tip in Sinful Colors- Cha Cha Red, AND striped it in with a black nail striper. You are feeling an 80's vibe over riding this overwhelmingly NOT classy and NOT understated mani so you decide to run with it. 

Dear Lord.

Welp, you've accomplished 80's alright. Not exactly a happy memories, cool accessories, great music 80's though. More like a haven't showered, shopped at goodwill, and then picked a glitter headband out of a garbage can type of 80's.

So, by adding a pink stripe AND an additional silver stripe you've now done nothing but ruin your previously perfect black stripe from the previous step...gotta fix it right?

*Sigh*

Well, there IS a positive here. You've effectively fixed the black stripe you ruined. YAY! But, what's with the dots? Why did you have to add those 90's nail salon window poster dots? Oh, I remember. Because you just can't leave it alone. Well there is only one solution to any polish dilemma right? 

GLITTER!

Ack! Now look what you've done! This mani is like totally the perfect bold yet understated CLASSY look you were going for huh? 

Fail.

An unfruitful, frantic search for your high school leg warmers and half a gallon of acetone later. This is the look you end up sporting because you've spent an hour doing nail art and you are too annoyed, frustrated and late to do that pretty, simple chevron again.

Lesson learned. Leave it Alone.